Mom of 3 POV: Being a Parent Makes Me a Better Person but a Worse Friend

Look, I’m not here to argue that having kids makes you a better person. I don’t really believe that. But what I can say from my own experience is that once I had a kid, I started caring more deeply about the world that I was raising them in. 

Suddenly, my recycling bin was always full, I inspected food labels for things like palm oil and carbon footprint, and I am currently researching the logistics of contributing to the neighborhood compost. Should I have been doing those things anyway? Of course. But something about having children laser focused my sense of responsibility. Their world became the world.

And I’m not just thinking about the planet. I’m also more cognizant of being kind and decent to others. Pre-kids, I might have snapped when someone cut me off on the highway. But knowing that those little ears in the backseat are absorbing every word I say, I practice empathy instead (“Maybe they’re just in a rush…”).

But if parenting has made me better in some ways, it’s also made me worse—especially in one area I never anticipated: friendship.

There’s a lot of talk about how your relationship with your partner changes after kids, but what about with your friends? 

Before I had children, I talked to my friends all the time. Text threads, spontaneous calls, meetups after work… maintaining connection was easy. Now, even when I miraculously find a spare 30 minutes, I rarely use it to reach out. Why? Because I’ve convinced myself it will take too much energy. (Spoiler: It won’t.)

And even when I do talk to friends, I often find myself mostly talking about my kids! I hear myself yammering on about sleep schedules and soccer signups and I can’t help but wonder: Who is this person? Where did the interesting parts of me go?

I don’t have a perfect solution to this dilemma. But I’ve started sticking to a few self-imposed rules to help me be a slightly better friend (even if it takes me three days to respond to a text). 

• Show up for the big stuff. You may go weeks without talking, but if your best friend’s mom is sick or their marriage is falling apart, be there. When my best friend needed me during a family crisis, I dropped everything and showed up. And guess what? My kids were fine. She needed me more.
  
• Remember this is a season. Like all parenting phases, this one is temporary. Real friends will still be there when it gets easier. And it will get easier.
  
• Try the ‘First Sunday Rule.’ On the first Sunday of each month, I make a point to reach out to someone I’ve lost touch with. No need for an hour-long catch up. In fact, it can be as simple as a “thinking of you” text. Just a little something to keep the thread from completely unraveling.
  
• Fill your own cup. It’s a cliche but it’s true—you can’t give to others when you’re running on empty. I may not have the luxury of a full self-care day but at least for me, a little sleep, hydration and maybe a hot (uninterrupted!) shower can go a long way.
  

The truth is that parenting has made me a better person. I’m more empathetic and intentional after having kids. But it’s also made me more distracted and less available to my friends. I’m learning to accept both of these realities… and trying to show up anyway.