Let’s Be Honest This Mother’s Day: Every Mom Has the Same Love Language

I was on deadline to file this story when my husband came downstairs after tucking my seven-year-old into bed. “I’m going to set a timer for 30 minutes and really give the kitchen a scrub-down,” he said, as he rolled up his sleeves. Yes, it was a Friday night. Yes, we could have just as easily cuddled on the couch. But, my god, as far as romance goes, you better believe my heart skipped a beat.

Here’s why: If we turn back the clock a cool 30+ years to 1992, a man by the name of Dr. Gary Chapman coined the idea of love languages in his best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. The gist? Chapman claims that by taking the time to understand your partner’s unique preferences when it comes to how they express and experience love, you can head off potential conflicts and connect on a deeper and more intimate level that allows you to grow closer over time. (The five different love languages include Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.)

A diamond necklace is nice, so is an impromptu shoulder rub, but my love language is 1000 percent Acts of Service and I’m willing to bet nearly all moms on the planet feel the same way.

After all, the arrival of kids changes you to the core, and suddenly, time is in short supply. Try as I might to re-train my brain, daily logistics are the main focus. Additionally, research shows that the mental load is shouldered primarily by women, regardless of who is the primary earner. (This isn’t to say that modern men aren’t trying to be more helpful—it’s actually a systemic thing.)

This is exactly why all the moms I know crave and celebrate a partner who sees that list of chores and—without being asked—makes an effort to take it on. One friend of mine with two kids in New York said, “It feels like the ultimate act of love to watch my husband do the meal planning or volunteer to head out to the grocery store, since it means it’s one less thing on my plate.” Another mom of two, based in Amsterdam, says, “I feel like I carry the brunt of the domestic responsibilities, everything from childcare to meal prep, so anytime my husband steps in to help the invisible load feels [welcome]. But when he helps without my soliciting it, it is especially swoon-worthy.”

According to Psychology Today, Acts of Service—the idea that actions speak louder than words—are a common love language for parents since it “demonstrates that your partner is going out of their way to meaningfully help and support you.” And for moms, who are generally left to deal with the bulk of the cooking, cleaning and summer camp planning, any moment where they get to observe their partner trying to flip the script is, frankly, kind of hot.

For the act of service to have a true impact, your partner has to initiate it themself. In other words, it’s not an act of service if I’ve been nagging you all week to fix the broken faucet and you finally do it. It is an act of service if you notice the oven is looking gross, and give it a deep clean unprompted.

In other words, this Mother’s Day, I’m asking dads to put away the flowers and chocolates. Give us what we really want: a day of filling out the camp forms and taking the car in for an oil change. If that’s not sexy, I don’t know what is.