3 Red Flags Financial Advisors Want You to Look Out for Before Getting Married

I’ve already written about how marriage can impact your tax situation, but as it turns out, there’s plenty to discuss when it comes to finances before saying ‘I do.' I spoke with a professional for an informed perspective on when, if ever, finances should give you pause before you tie the knot. Without further ado, here are three red flags that financial advisors want you to look out for before getting married. (Spoiler: debt isn’t necessarily a deal breaker when it comes to true love, but a lack of trust and transparency definitely is.)

Priya Malani is the Founder and CEO of Stash Wealth, a service that provides one-on-one financial planning. She is also the host of the podcast The F. Word, where you can find highly informative content on the subject of finances and marriage, and a wide array of other money management topics.

Perhaps your prospective spouse is grappling with debt (student loans, anyone?) or maybe they are in the process of building their career or changing career paths entirely. In other words, they’re a financial work in progress. Well, the truth is that this description applies to a growing number of people. In fact, more and more Gen Zers are facing the music and moving back in with their parents, or at least continuing to do so longer than previous generations.

And that’s OK, says our expert. “When it comes to love and money, I want to set the record straight: debt itself isn’t automatically a red flag,” Malani explains, adding that student loan debts, mortgages and car loans are all typically considered “good debts,” because they have low interest rates, qualify as investments in the future, or both.

In other words, “look deeper before you panic over someone’s balance sheet [because] debt alone doesn’t make someone a financial liability.” But how they manage debt might. Keep reading for the financial red flags to look out for before getting hitched.

According to Malani, one of the biggest red flags (i.e., one that should definitely give you pause) is “an unwillingness to be transparent and honest with you about finances.” Shockingly, the expert tells me that about one third of couples don’t know their partner’s financial situation, and income is just one part of the picture.

“Wanting to maintain control is one thing, and we can’t blame people for wanting to hold on to a bit of autonomy,” explains Malani, “but if their money picture is a total question mark, it’s a sign there’s something they’re not ready to be honest with you about. Or don’t trust you with.”

Suffice it to say that if you feel like your partner is avoidant when it comes to conversations about their income, debt situation, financial priorities and spending habits, you have every reason to feel unsettled.

Speaking of trust, how much does your partner inspire in you? Perhaps you have good reason to be skeptical (like noticing that they are reckless or impulsive with their spending or that they make major financial decisions without consulting you) or maybe they’re just playing their cards so close to their chest (see above) that you don’t know what to think at all. Whatever the case may be, Malani emphasizes the importance of asking yourself whether you feel comfortable giving your partner access to your accounts. If the answer is no, it could be a “you problem,” relating to some unresolved trust issues that don’t actually stem from your current partner’s behavior, or you might have valid reasons for feeling that way based on your observations. Regardless, “a lack of trust in your partner is no way to build the foundation of a relationship.”

The good news is that your partner doesn’t have to be the portrait of financial responsibility all the time to make a marriage work. While it’s true that money habits have a tendency to mirror life habits (and so a lack of self-control and irresponsibility with finances may well bleed over into your relationship), it’s also true that mistakes happen and not everyone is “good with money.” That’s why the expert says that the most important thing is that people “acknowledge mistakes and put in an effort to ensure it doesn’t happen again.” (It’s also worth noting that, per Malani, being unforgiving can also be a red flag.)

“Look, retirement is so far away for so many of us that it makes sense if you’ve never thought about it,” says Malani. Still, the expert emphasizes that “if you aren’t dreaming a little with your partner, you will continue living parallel lives, which is so much less efficient than working as a team to reach your goals together.” In other words, you don’t need to have an inflexible 20-year-plan to start a conversation about what you envision for the future—and you might be surprised how much you learn by doing so. Is there room for compromise or does the conversation fall apart because of deal breakers (like whether you want to have kids, own a home or allot a certain amount of money for travel, etc.)?

This conversation doesn’t have to proceed completely smoothly the first time it happens—most likely it will be an ongoing discussion—but one thing that’s definitely a deal breaker is if your partner isn’t even willing to come to the table.

“If they want to punt the conversation, it could be because they know their financial situation is a mess and don’t want to be held accountable; they like things exactly how they are and don’t plan to change; they’re dodging financial realities they don’t want to face or they secretly have their own plan and don’t think you will be into not it.” And any of the above are reasons to do a little more digging before you say ‘I do.’