The Secret to Midlife Friendship? Cap a Time Limit on Your Hangs

As a mom of two young kids, I think a lot about the “Friendship Dip.” Coined by journalist Anne Helen Peterson, it speaks to the period in our lives—primarily our 40s—that just isn’t conducive to forging or sustaining friends or community. Our work is immersive and, for those with children, so is motherhood. Any time we have leftover is spent plopped on the couch trying to nurture ourselves (i.e. binging Friends).

Except that I may have found a work-around: friendship time limits. I’ve started to notice this shift through recent catch-ups with friends. Over the phone or IRL, we are getting much more transparent about our limitations. For example, the pal who is passing through Brooklyn and has exactly 47 minutes to grab a coffee; the acquaintance at school drop-off who can dish about the PTA gossip for six blocks—and six blocks only. Every interaction feels more intentional and more succinct. In other words, women are down to make the effort when it comes to female friendship, but we’re also being more honest and open about what we can and cannot give.

Our bandwidth is limited, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Personally, I’m here for it. Women are so great at parsing out their time with a purpose; at prioritizing; about being specific when it comes to their needs. When you apply all this to friendship during this ultra busy “season” of life, it feels like a breakthrough moment.

It also ladders up to a form of acceptance. It’s true: Our bandwidth is limited, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It all goes back to being clear about what we can and can’t offer. I absolutely appreciate the clarity from friends who tell me up front, “I can’t meet for lunch, but I can sync up on errands this weekend.” It also gives me permission to mirror that flexibility.

It ultimately feels more loving, too. Hey, I’d rather enjoy a five-minute phone date with a friend than wonder why she’s ghosted me. FWIW, speed isn’t the point. Just because a catch-up is abbreviated doesn’t mean it’s less enjoyable.

This is about making an effort and infusing your day with micro moments that help maintain connection. When you strip away the pressure (and guilt) that comes with finding an available date to hang out, coordinating childcare, pretending to not be exhausted from everything on your plate, it’s rather freeing. Leaning into the limitations has also taught me that we can get creative and maximize all the best parts of female friendship (the advice, the empathy, the infusion of humor and perspective applied to moments big and small).

More than anything, it’s about finding a meaningful work-around that prevents a full-blown sacrifice. If transparency about time limits allows me to laugh with my bestie for my 12-minute walk to school pickup, then bluntly hang up, no harm, no foul, I’m all for it.