Maybe it’s the unsolicited parenting advice, the passive aggressive comments about the “strange” temperature at which you roast your chicken or the straight-up aggressive (and constant!) updates on Jenny St. Peters, a local news anchor who just so happens to be your husband’s ex-high school girlfriend. That said, the in-law relationship goes both ways. Your mother-in-law should certainly never comment about the "sad state of the baby factory,” but you should also avoid certain zingers that can add up to a big ol’ mess and worst of all, awkward dinner. To help me navigate the loaded language that creeps into conversations with in-laws, I called on licensed marriage and family therapist Sara M. Klein, LMFT, of Mindful Living Therapy. Her advice? Less defensiveness, more curiosity—and when in doubt, channel your inner anthropologist.
5 Things You Should Never Say to Your Mother-in-Law
“Just curious… has the will been updated?”
Meet the Expert
Sara M. Klein, LMFT is a practicing licensed marriage and family therapist at Mindful Living Therapy. Her clinical interests lie in anxiety, depression, relational issues, prenatal and postpartum mental health, infertility, grief and loss. She received her Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Northwestern University.
1. “That’s not how we do it in my family.”
Translation: “I look down you.”
Even if you were raised to open Hanukkah gifts one night at a time while they go full eight-gift blitz on the first night, emphasizing that you were "raised differently” dismisses your mother-in-law’s experience and implies that it’s “less than” simply because it’s different. Says Klein: “Comparison is NOT helpful, and marriage is really a masterclass in tolerating differences.” If you have issues with every difference between your families, you wind up just keeping score instead of building connection. You don’t have to adopt every tradition, but respecting them can go a long way in keeping the peace (and maybe even learning something new).
What to say instead: “One strategy I might use,” shares Klein, “is to pretend you are an anthropologist and just observe and describe. This will help with judgements.” For example: “It’s interesting that your family does holiday’s this way,” or “Their family has rituals that I never did growing up.”
2. “Well, that’s your son’s decision.”
Translation: “Not my problem.”
Deflecting responsibility and triangulating the relationship is not a great look; it sets up more tension between your partner and his parent. “Blame and shame are not effective relationally. They shut people down, and there is no space in between,” Klein points out. And, even if it was your partner’s idea to skip his family’s annual beach reunion, you’re a partnership. It’s time to own the decision-making as a team.
What to say instead: “We made a decision about this and we are happy to discuss our thought process with you.”
3. “Can I have the chandelier when you’re gone?”
Translation: “Has your will be updated to include me?”
Even if it’s said as a joke (or a half joke), end-of-life comments that haven’t been initiated by the person at the butt of the joke can make them feel as if they’re only valued for their things. In the wrong context and tone, it can sound like you’re just waiting for them to exit stage left.
What to say instead: “I would love to have more open conversations about death and what you would like and what you have enjoyed in terms of remembering people,” offers Klein.
4. “We’ll never do that with our kids.”
Translation: “We’re parenting right, and you did it wrong.”
Comments like this can feel like a direct critique of how your in-laws raised their own children—aka your partner. “Parenting is so much more nuanced than that type of blanket statement,” says Klein. It’s totally fine (and inevitable) to do things differently, but framing it as a moral high ground only fuels defensiveness, especially since, as Klein reminds me, parenting is all about shades of gray.
What to say instead: Explain your approach without judgment. For example: “We’re trying to limit screen time while the kids are little—it’s just what’s feeling right for us right now. But who knows, ask me again in six months.”
5. “We wouldn’t be in this mess if you had taught him about money.”
Translation: “You messed up my spouse.”
Oof. This is example of a toxic combo of blame, shame, avoidance and triangulation. Even if you and your partner are struggling, whether it’s with budgeting, financial planning or something else entirely, pinning the issue on how their mother raised them is both unfair and unproductive. “Shame shuts people down and no learning takes place,” says Klein.
What to stay instead: Use “I" statements—especially when you’re seeing red—says Klein: “I feel frustrated when the subject of money comes up, and I wish I we had better tools in our toolbox for dealing with financial conflict better.”
