I've Sleep Trained Two Babies: How Come No One Ever Told Me About Sleep Pressure?

New motherhood is beautiful, new motherhood is kind—but the cumulative fatigue can get so punishing and relentless, it saps any sense of joy. Enter “sleep training,” which is really just a fancy turn-of-phrase for what is largely equipping our kids with a skillset that teaches them to put themselves to sleep. Of course, easier said than done.

As a mom of two boys, I’m no stranger to the difficulties and stress that comes with this effort. No baby is the same either (my first son, now 8, took to sleep training right away; my second-born, 18 months, has struggled muchmore). There are sleep regressions to factor in, illnesses and even just “off” nights. Still, the pay-off is worth it. (A rested mom is a happy mom, after all.)

But there is one element of sleep training that in my endless research about how to execute the process, I never learned about: sleep pressure, but more specifically, how it fluctuates throughout the night.

Brittany Sheehan, a certified pediatric sleep consultant, introduced me to the idea. First and foremost, it’s scientific—it speaks to the accumulation of a naturally occurring nucleoside called adenosine. As it builds in the brain, this is what cues our abilities to drift off to deep sleep.

Babies have ample amounts of it, but timing and consistency is key. For example, there’s a fine line between a tired baby and an overtired one, which means you have to trust the clock and baby’s sleep schedule just as much as you tune into sleep cues. Still, something parents forget to factor in is how sleep pressure impacts morning wakeups just as it does the nighttime routine.

Here’s why: Sleep pressure for babies is at its lowest between 4 and 6 a.m., which is why they often wake so early. (I can attest: My toddler typically stirs happily at approximately 4:52 a.m. Ouch.)

“We put so much effort into strategizing about the overnight routine that we neglect our approach for the morning and end up whisper-fighting with our spouse in bed about who is getting up,” Sheehan explains. Her advice? The same way we’re consistent about when bedtime begins, we apply that to wakeups, too. In other words, if bedtime is at 6:30 p.m., set the wake-up for 6:30 a.m., too.

Yes, the sleep pressure is low at that hour, but if you can avoid an immediate response to baby—i.e. they’re safe and not in distress—that will incrementally pay off. This means that if they start to stir or sit up at 5:30 a.m., keep the room dark and treat the wakeup the same way you’d treat one that happens in the middle of the night. (In my case, that meant checking in for 10 seconds, soothing baby verbally that they’re OK and safe, then leaving the room.) Even if all you get is an extra 15 to 30 minutes inching closer to that 6:30 a.m. wakeup goal, over time, you’ll notice a shift. (The goal is to ultimately help baby’s circadian rhythm adjust—and it will!) 

I put Sheehan’s method to the test and, while bumpy, it made a difference. In the beginning, my son woke up rested, but far too early, and would protest. But that quickly evolved into babbling to himself in the crib. Now, more often than not, he simply lies back down—and sometimes sleeps straight through. Proof that consistency does counter a chaotic sleep routine.

I’ll state this caveat again: No baby is the same (some are naturally early risers, ugh) but there are loving ways to equip them with sleep skills that save your sanity, too. In my case, I’ll take the babbling in the crib until 6:30 a.m. over a 4:52 a.m. wakeup any day of the week.