Gen Z Now Wants to Be "Stay-at-Home Sons" and...Oh Boy

I tend to agree with Michelle Obama, who recently told Jay Shetty that she’d rather “teach [her kids] boundaries at three and four and five…deal with mistakes and failure when they are 10 and 5 and 13, rather than have them live in our basement when they are 35 for the rest of their lives.” Obama smiled but concluded firmly: “I don’t want a kid in my basement.”

I hear you, First Lady. It’s a seemingly obvious truth—we want our kids to move out of our family home as adults and commence their independent, successful lives (while calling us plenty, of course.)

But recently, that truism has been called into question when 27-year-old Jeopardy contestant Brendan Liaw introduced himself on national TV as a “stay-at-home son.” He was joking, but only half, since he does in fact live with his parents. (He later explained his “tongue-in-cheek” precis, saying, “I thought it sounded better than saying ‘unemployed’ or as I joked on the show, ‘loiterer’ and I figured if lose my first game, I might as well make some people laugh.”) Liaw wound up winning $60,000, but earned much more air time with his saucy living status than with his correct answers. But does his response speak to larger trend? I checked in with a neurodevelopmental psychologist to find out.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez is the founder of Comprehend the Mind in New York City She is a pioneer in neuropsychological assessments, reshaping its clinical model and best practices. Dr. Hafeez received her doctorate from Hofstra University and completed her post-doctoral work in neurodevelopmental psychology at Coney Island Hospital in Brooklyn, NY. Dr. Hafeez is a New York State licensed psychologist and a New York State certified school psychologist and is an expert in trauma, learning problems, ADHD and autism.

After the Jeopardy episode, the punditosphere was outraged. The Wall Street Journal published a story in its Careers section titled The New Dream Job for Young Men: Stay-at-Home Son. Fox News commentator Tomi Lahren quipped, “leave it to Gen Z to rebrand laziness and social awkwardness as something cutesy,” after suggesting that some of them might be, “deadbeat folks that are on Medicaid.”

During a panel discussion on the Ruthless Podcast, co-host Josh Holmes said, “as compelling as arranging the flowers and monitoring Amazon deliveries could be to the average person, I think that most men with even an ounce of testosterone would find this a touch demeaning.” A commentor agreed: “We have to bring back shame in this country, Josh, you would have to waterboard me like Khalid Sheik Mohammed to get me to admit that I’m a stay-at-home son.” Meanwhile one enterprising young man took advantage of the furor, offering branded "Stay at Home Sons" merch for purchase online.

As a mom of a 19-year-old son gifted with pandemic-induced rusty social skills, I’m surprised by the meanness here. We all know kids who have had a hard time catching up to age-appropriate milestones. Add to that this sobering statistic: nearly one in 10 men aged 20 to 24 are unemployed, double the national average. Additionally, our economy is experiencing ever-increasing housing and education costs at the same time as wage stagnation. It’s no wonder that, according to Pew Research, there’s a slight uptick in young adults living in a parent’s home; In 2023, 57 percent of 19 to 24-year-olds lived at home compared with 53 percent in 1993.

Here's What a Therapist Says

“I’ve seen this situation arise more frequently in recent years,” says New York City-based neuropsychologist Dr. Sanam Hafeez. “With the high cost of living, student debt and fewer entry-level jobs, many young adults are staying home longer than their parents expected. It often creates tension, not because of laziness, but because both sides feel stuck. Parents want their children to succeed, but they also want peace and space in their home. Young adults feel pressure to move forward, yet the economy doesn’t always give them the tools to do so quickly.”

So, the answer to these economic and social pressures is…to get young men to feel more shame?

“Living at home as an adult can sometimes make a young man question his worth, independence and ability to stand on his own. He might feel like he’s falling behind, causing him shame. Over time, these doubts can impact motivation and his perception of the future.”

Dr. Sanam Hafeez

With male depression and self-harm on the rise (in 2023, men died by suicide 3.8 times more than women), I’d argue that shame is exactly the last thing we need. And as a mom, I resent that talking heads (and/or conservative members of older generations) simply assume that because a young guy might make a joke about moving to move back home, he doesn’t take it seriously. Indeed, Dr. Hafeez says, “[joking] can be a way for your son to cope, making the situation feel less heavy.”

The psychologist agrees that piling on shame will only make the situation worse, a result I can attest to when I tried using the same shaming-as-motivation to get my son to do anything from chores to carrying household mental load to practicing parallel parking. (Spoiler: What worked on Gen X does not work on Gen Z.) “Living at home as an adult can sometimes make a young man question his worth, independence and ability to stand on his own. He might compare himself to peers who have moved out and feel like he’s falling behind,” Dr Hafeez says. “This can lead to feelings of failure or not meeting his own expectations, [which] could chip away at his confidence and cause him shame…Over time, these doubts can impact motivation and his perception of the future.”

So, how to know if your kid is joking about being a stay at home son because he’s happy to underperform, or if he’s trying to hide a deeper fear of failure? Or how to determine if your kid actually has a trajectory planned out and feels he’s on his way to a happy, independent future? Watch, listen and communicate. “It helps to have honest conversations about timelines and expectations so both sides are clear,” says Dr. Hafeez. “If he’s making no effort to find a job or plan for the future, it might be time to push him in that direction. But if he’s actively trying and just facing tough circumstances, be patient with him and do all you can to support him. Look for signs of responsibility such as contributing to household chores or setting goals. Ultimately, the decision should balance his readiness with your boundaries and what’s healthy for everyone involved.”

So, yes, pundits. It’s a new world, one in which a game show contestant can boldly joke about being a 27-year-old who lives with his parents. And if you think that’s shameful, you’re making dangerous assumptions. In Jeopardy contestant Liaw’s case, he made that joke knowing that he held a master’s degree and was studying for the LSATs. From this mom’s perspective, as long as he was helping out around the house while earning $60k on a TV game show, I'll call him a winner.