We're Adults—We Don't Have to Pretend to Like Each Other

During the 2026 VMAs, a meme went around of Charli XCX tepidly clapping on her knee in response to Taylor Swift taking the stage. While later debunked—Charli’s reaction happened during Nirvana’s win of the Video Vanguard Award—it only propelled the narrative that the two pop stars have it out for each other. They have a longstanding history and beef with Charli’s husband, George Daniel, as the drummer of The 1975 for which Matty Healy (aka Swift’s ex) is the guitarist and lead vocalist.

Charli has described Healy as a brother. Swifties consider him the chief inspiration behind Swift’s 2024 album, The Tortured Poets Department. And boy-oh-boy have the two nodded to this entanglement. Charli’s album, BRAT, which came out the same year as Poets, featured the track, “Sympathy Is a Knife,” rumored to be about Swift. The latter, in turn, followed up with “Actually Romantic,” an unrefuted diss on Charli’s seemingly obsessive takedowns.

In short, these gals are not friends. It’s probable that they don’t even like each other. And yet, they share the same social circles. They attend the same industry award ceremonies and parties—running into the other is unavoidable. But here’s the thing. Instead of publicly playing out a feud with stilted interactions and interview blasts, it seems both have just come, post-diss tracks, to the acceptance that they’re going to be in each other’s orbit. They don’t care for each other and they’re both OK with that. To me, that’s one of the definitions of being a grown-up.

Like many other kids, I wanted everyone to like me. Paradoxically, I found myself at the receiving end of quite a few friendship dramas where someone did not want me in their circle. (One girl literally asked her mom, in front of me, why she wasn’t allowed to invite someone else on our one-on-one shopping date.) I was also locked into many one-sided friendships in my teen years, often feeling like I was putting in more work than I was getting out of it. As a 7-year-old, and even a 14-year-old, those situations stung. Especially in high school, when social dynamics were paramount.

Durig that time, I was desperately insecure about a few girls who were part of a group that I was never able to break into myself. The girls weren’t mean, per se—if I ended up with one of them as a desk buddy, they were sweet—but they didn’t go out of their way to include me. One of them, I’m sure, actively didn’t like me, which I gathered from her frosty demeanor and the way she ignored me if we were occupying the same space. At first, I did my best to ingratiate myself. Over time, however, I stopped caring.

I think this is a rite of passage every adult must face. That sometimes, there will be people in life with whom you will never get along, Maybe, though, the solution is to accept that you’ll co-exist.

That’s tough, because, as mental health counselor Dr. Mindy DeSeta acknowledges, this goes against our human nature of wanting to belong. But letting that go brings benefits. Everyone knows what it feels like to try and fit in. Anxiety, resentment, the feeling that everything is artificial. And that’s just the mental load.

Remember, you’re not obligated to like everyone. They’re not obligated to like you. What we are obligated to do, I think, is be polite, regardless.

“When you are constantly worried about being liked, your brain gets stuck in overdrive, and your nervous system goes into fight-or-flight mode. This level of induced stress rapidly increases your cortisol levels,” Dr. DeSeta explains. “Cortisol is the body’s main stress hormone, and fear of being judged by others is a huge trigger. If you have programmed your brain to constantly scan the room and seek others' acceptance, your body will stay in a high-stress mode. This surge of cortisol in the body can impact your sleep, cause headaches or stomach issues, decrease your immune system and lower your libido.” In other words, imagine how much happier you’d be if you spent less time worrying about social dynamics.

“By acknowledging the disconnect, you release the emotional and physical tension,” Dr. DeSeta continues. “Both people gain an understanding of the situation which allows them to let go of trying and mentally relax. This understanding lowers their overall stress, leaving them feeling better physically and mentally.”

As kids, all we want to do is fit in, and I think that can stem from wanting to control something when we have little power over anything else in our lives. Adulthood teaches, and, I think, emboldens us, with the agency to strike out on our own.

We’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. The most adult thing we can do in those situations is pass the sugar…or tepidly slap our knees.