Gen Z's "Red Flags" Are Keeping Them From Finding Love

This dating colloquialism is so prevalent it's almost cliché, but it’s also nearly impossible for Gen Z to talk about relationships without bringing it up. I’m talking about red flags. As a 28-year-old going on sporadic dates in New York—and listening to my friends’ tales—it’s a subject we all like to jump on, shaking our heads in mind-boggling disbelief at some of the stuff that feels more movie scene than real life. However, a recent conversation with a Gen X friend got me thinking. Is Gen Z’s obsession with red flags preventing us from finding love?

A red flag can mean many things, starting with an ick and in the extremes being dangerous or toxic. Some are recounted to friends with humor. Orthopedic shoes and a wrinkled button-up on a first date. Saying that stay-at-home-moms don’t perform unpaid labor. Recounting in a self-satisfied tone about how they retaliated against someone who did something that bothered them. (All actual experiences I’ve had.) Others are…grave. Like giving their partner an STI. Taking zero initiative when the couple is lost on a road trip and lying down on the sidewalk while the girl figures it out. Defacing private property. (All things I’ve heard down the grapevine.)

Now here’s the thing: Red flags are important. They can clue you into a person’s character. But sometimes we’re a little bit too hung up on them, writing people off before we’ve actually given them a chance. In fact, professor of relational communication at CSU Fullerton, TV host and author Dr. Tara agrees, saying that oftentimes what we perceive to be red flags aren’t really flags at all.

“Our reactions and feelings are not always reliable or reasonable,” she says. “We often bring our own baggage and sociocultural expectations or pressures, which inform how we show up as daters. You should investigate your beliefs further and not always trust your first reaction when dating.” This applies, in particular, to red flags being raised on the basis of physical appearance. (I am definitely a guilty party here.) Dr. Tara says that because this is subjective, it’s “limiting at best and reinforces harmful stereotypes at worst.”

“Red flags are usually patterns of behavior, so it's important to look at whether this experience was more of a one-off or a true reflection of this [person’s] personality.”

Dr. Tara, professor of relational and sexual communication, CSU Fullerton

Of course, I’m not writing off very real red flags, including some of my above examples. Per Dr. Tara, other serious things to consider include “controlling or manipulative behavior, poor listening skills, disregard for your or others' boundaries, lack of empathy, inability or difficulty communicating, aggression, addiction and other self-sabotaging behaviors. Past relationship history, or even how someone talks about their previous relationships, can sometimes be a red flag.”

But as for everything else? Perhaps Gen Z needs to think twice before calling it and ending the relationship—especially if it’s a first-time “offense” or human error. If the other person is making attempts to repair damage, be accountable and make amends, it’s probably not going to manifest into something ugly.

“Red flags are usually patterns of behavior, so it's important to look at whether this experience was more of a one-off or a true reflection of this [person’s] personality,” Dr. Tara explains. “There's also a difference between people who are aware of their red flag behaviors and want to change, and those who don't.”

At the end of the day, if we go by the typical “red flag” definition (i.e. anything that we disagree with or gives us the “ick”), we’ve all got them because we’re all human. Treating everything like a dealbreaker and the idea that a person has to be perfect out of the box, like a Barbie doll, is frankly unrealistic. One of my friends put it best: “It’s so nice to be with someone who loves you even though you’re the one that made them mad.”

Going back to Dr. Tara’s anecdote, if someone’s aware of their red flag, is it really a red flag? If they’re trying to work on this aspect of themselves, is it really toxic? Personally, I was raised with the mindset that you're taking someone for who they are right now, but also who they might become later. And the best way to help manage expectations, Dr. Tara says, is to check in every once in a while and make sure you and your partner are aligned.

I’ve caught myself and observed my friends tripping over “red flags” that, in the grand scheme of things, are really just what make people human. So maybe at the end of the day what we all need is some grace—for others and ourselves.