12 Signs You’re in a One-Sided Friendship (and What to Do About It)

Like romantic relationships, friendships take two to tango. And sometimes, also like romantic relationships, friendships can see one friend pulling more weight than the other. You might not be bickering about laundry, school drop-off and dirty dishes (hello, mental load), but one of you tends to be the one checking in, remembering birthdays, asking to hang out, planning cool trips and sending care packages during rough patches while the other person…simply receives. I’ve been in many situations like this and have often wondered if there was something wrong with me. Then, I started hearing similar anecdotes from other friends (whom I am not in a one-sided friendship with). Knowing we couldn’t be anomalies, I tapped a psychologist to talk about the signs of one-sided friendship and what we can do about it.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, a psychological practice that treats learning disorders, anxiety, depression and other psychopathological disorders. Dr. Hafeez obtained her Doctor of Psychology at Hofstra University and completed her post-doctoral training in neuropsychology and developmental pediatrics at Coney Island Hospital.

1. You’re always the one to call.
2. Planning hangouts always falls on you.
3. You remember birthdays and anniversaries…but when yours come around, it’s crickets.
4. Extensive follow-up is required to weasel out simple responses over text.
5. They have periods where they ghost you and then pop up like nothing has happened.
6. Your friend doesn’t feel genuinely happy when you accomplish something.
7. They only reach out when they need something from you.
8. Your friend lacks follow-through on commitments.
9. They never inquire about your personal life/work.
10. They’re emotionally draining.
11. You’re afraid to confront them.
12. You give favors that won’t be returned.

When it comes to relationships—and life in general—I’ve learned that the name of the game is always setting expectations. Think about: Most conflict is a result of someone’s unmet expectations. It can be as simple as thinking you’re getting a beautiful steak dinner and being served oatmeal instead, or as serious as saying your friend will be at the biggest night of your life (whether that’s a milestone birthday, award or otherwise) and failing to show. They set your expectation that something would happen—and then it didn’t. Here are five ways Dr. Hafeez says you can communicate expectations with your friend:

1. When You’re Always the One to Call

“Set the expectation by occasionally letting them know you’d appreciate them reaching out more. Try initiating fewer calls and see if they take the initiative to connect.”

What You Can Say:

• “I love chatting with you, but I’ve noticed that I’m the one who has called you the last seven times. It would make me feel so special if you were the one who initiated from time to time.”
• “I noticed that I’m the one who always calls you. Can we take turns reaching out to each other?”
• “Loved catching up just now. Feel free to call me next time you have a minute!”

2. When You’re the Planner

“Tell your friend you would appreciate it if sometimes they initiated plans instead of it always being you. Explain to them how this would make you feel more valued.”

What You Can Say:

• “I love going out with you, but planning the last few has taken a lot of work. Do you think you’d be up for planning the next hang?”
• “Planning outings is a way I show I care, and I’d love for that to be reciprocated.”
• “Let me know when you want to get together again—I’m down for something spontaneous!”

3. When They Never Remember Birthdays and Anniversaries

“You can mention how much it means to you when friends remember special dates and express your desire for reciprocity. Consider giving a gentle reminder around these times so they understand the importance to you.”

What You Can Say:

• “My birthday is coming up next week—save the date! I’m planning to gather a group of friends.”
• “I know it’s probably not intentional, but I do feel sad when my birthday comes around and I haven’t heard from you. I’d really love a text on the day!”
• “Planning for a get-together on my birthday [insert date]. Please pencil it in if you’re free!”

4. When You’re Always Chasing Them for Follow-Ups

“Address this directly by sharing how it feels to always follow up and ask if there’s a better way for you to communicate. You can also express that you appreciate timely responses and want to feel more heard in your interactions.”

What You Can Say:

• “Hey, I know you’re going through a lot, but I’m often chasing you down for replies. Do you think you could give me a response within a couple days, so I’m not waiting indefinitely?”
• “I notice it takes you a while to confirm plans, which makes it hard for me to make other plans. It’s OK if you’re not available—could you please just let me know within a day or two so I’m not scrambling to rearrange my own schedule last minute?”
• “It’s been pretty hard to get a hold of you lately, and it makes me feel like you don’t want to be in the friendship. Is there a better way to reach you? It’s OK if you want to part ways, but please tell me so I’m not chasing you down all the time.”

5. When They Never Help Plan Trips

“Before the trip, discuss expectations and agree on shared responsibilities to avoid this dynamic. You can also encourage them to be more involved in the planning and decision-making process to ensure a balanced experience.”

What You Can Say:

• “Really looking forward to our trip to Tokyo! I’ve started a list of sites to see. Could you add five you’re interested in by the end of the week?”
• “I’m cool with booking the airline tickets. I know you’re a master with credit card points…would you want to research and book the hotels?”
• “Excited to explore Croatia this summer! I was thinking we could each be responsible for half the days we’re going to be there and plan activities accordingly.”

Ultimately, the best kinds of friendship pursuits are about quality, not quantity. Dr. Hafeez tells me that when you’re evaluating an acquaintance as a potential friend (or looking at your current friends), look for reciprocity—people who are willing to put in the same amount of effort into the relationship. Then, relegate the rest to acquaintance status. That doesn’t mean you quit seeing them, but it does mean you can expect less from them, and in turn put less effort into the relationship without feeling guilty.

However, it’s important to note that you’ll never have 100 percent reciprocity all the time. “Periods of unequal effort input are a regular occurrence in friendships,’ Dr. Hafeez explains. “Relationship dynamics frequently shift due to different personal situations and work.” Meaning, your accountant friend might be a little *less* present come tax season, and that’s a perfectly acceptable time to cut them some slack, with Dr. Hafeez noting, “Friendships thrive on mutual effort and understanding.” There may be a season of life where you’ll be less present and need the same grace. But if they’re exhibiting the above signs 365 days a year? It’s time to relegate them to what I call “friend-quaintance” status.