What Is Tone Policing? How to Spot It—and Why It’s So Harmful

I almost never correct people who pronounce my name wrong. (It's Dare-Uh.) Part of the reason I don't is because, so often, the way I correct people becomes more of the topic at hand over the name itself. I can't count how many times I've been on the receiving end of a "OK, calm down," followed by an eye roll. Honestly, none of this is a big deal, but it is an easy example of tone policing. Just like rainbow-washing during Pride or repowashing in social justice spaces, tone policing can be a subtle but powerful way institutions maintain control while appearing progressive. Not all examples are so cut and dry—or low-stakes—so below, I'll break down this concept with the help of an expert.

Candyce "Ce" Anderson, M.S., L.P.C. is the founder and CEO of Revita Therapy and Wellness, a Montgomery-based private practice serving Alabama, Georgia and Washington, D.C. Anderson serves at the intersection of traditional mental health therapy and holistic/spiritual practices. Her expertise across both lanes has resulted in an integrative approach that is not merely clinical, but a true superpower that balances the two and enhances the therapeutic process.

Tone policing, Anderson tells me, is when someone focuses on how you're expressing yourself rather than what you're actually saying. "It's essentially derailing a conversation by critiquing someone's emotional expression, volume, word choice or perceived attitude instead of engaging with the substance of their message." Anderson shares this as an example: Someone brings up a legitimate concern about workplace discrimination and gets told "you sound angry" or "you need to be more professional about this,"—that's tone policing. Why? Because it addresses—or politics—the tone of the statement while dismissing the ideas being communicated.

"Absolutely," expresses Anderson. The expert continues: "Women, particularly Black women, face tone policing constantly—they're labeled 'aggressive,' 'angry,' or 'emotional' for expressing the same concerns that men might express without comment. People of color in general experience this when discussing racism or discrimination. LGBTQ+ individuals often get tone policed when advocating for their rights. Basically, marginalized groups tend to face more scrutiny about their emotional expression, especially when discussing issues that affect them directly."

This is why tone policing is an oppression tactic—it systemically keeps oppressed people and the issues they raise silenced. So, it’s no surprise that there is a long history of racist and misogynist tone policing. As Tess Martin writes in her piece, “Racism 101: Tone Policing”: "If you can successfully shut another person down based on her anger or frustration, then you don’t ever have to answer for your own racist conduct."

Sometimes, Anderson notes, tone policing is used as a conscious deflection tactic to avoid addressing uncomfortable topics. But it can definitely be unconscious. In fact, she continues, "many people genuinely think they're being helpful when they suggest someone 'calm down' or 'be more reasonable.' They might not realize they're essentially telling someone their feelings are invalid or inappropriate. However, the impact remains harmful regardless of intent.

This takes some serious self-reflection. Ask yourself if you're using these common phrases or tactics when communicating with people outside your gender, race or cultural experience.

1. “Calm down.”

Consider the context when you hear or say these words. Are you trying to lower a loved one’s blood pressure? Or are you instructing a Brown woman not to make any waves in the office? Commanding someone to “calm down” over a very real issue that they may be rightfully upset over is tone policing.

2. “You don’t need to get so angry.”

Same thing here. If you’re addressing the style of communication instead of the content you’re tone policing and gaslighting.

3. “Tone matters.”

Take a look at this annotated post from activist Rachel Cargle in which a white commenter, Linda, instructs Cargle on why her messaging is wrong, saying, “If the goal is to reach the widest audience possible, tone matters.” Cargle explains that this type of “helpful” comment is actually tone policing. Why is a white woman who has less experience than Cargle in Black activism telling her how to be a Black activist? Because of her privilege. Per Cargle, “[Linda] then goes on to very directly tone police me. She advises me that antiracism work won’t be of interest to white people unless it is said in a tone that they find palatable. These types of respectability politics play out in various ways in society and here Linda made it clear that her interest in fighting against black pain and oppression is limited to how comfortable she is in the process.”

Anderson offers up these alternatives, which create space for empathy and listening. "The key is acknowledging their feelings as valid while staying focused on the actual content of what they're sharing," she shares.

• "I can see this is really important to you"
• "Help me understand what's bothering you"
• "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated —what's going on?"
• "I want to hear what you're saying"
• "I'm struggling to focus on your point - can you help me understand the main issue?"
• Or, simply listening without commenting on their emotional state

When someone is policing your tone, it is designed to create more frustration, more chaos. So remember, says Anderson, sometimes it's also OK to simply say, "I'm going to take a break from this conversation" if the other person won't engage with the actual substance of what you're trying to communicate. If you feel you have a handle on the conversation despite the road block, here are some empowering strategies to try:

• "I'd like to focus on the issue I raised rather than how I'm saying it"
• "My tone doesn't change the validity of my point"
• "Let's talk about the content of what I'm sharing"
• "I'm expressing myself this way because this issue matters to me - can we address the actual problem?"
• "I understand my emotions are showing, but the issue I'm raising is still important"
• "Can we get back to discussing [the original topic]?"

Tone policing reinforces systems of power under the guise of "civility" or "politeness." Here's an example: Let’s say you have an aquarium of beloved fish. But Bob is overfeeding the fish, causing them to die. So, you raise the point to Bob. But instead of responding to the topic at hand, Bob makes the conversation about the way you expressed yourself, “Yikes! Why you are you so angry?” he accuses you and changes the subject. Of course you’re angry—your fish are dead. And the more he skirts the dead fish and attacks your tone, the more frustrated and exhausted you get. By the end of the interaction, the important issue is ignored while you are left struggling to be heard.

Bob might not realize he’s tone policing because he’s so put off by a woman telling him what to do that he can’t even address the dead fish. An excerpt from “Navigating the ‘Danger Zone’: Tone Policing and the Bounding of Civility in the Practice of Student Voice” (American Journal of Education, Aug 2019), finds that emotional expression regulation (aka, tone policing) "is often used to shut down speech that a particular group of people might not want to hear." Back to my fish scenario, the dominant culture dictates that a woman should never tell a man what to do. So, Bob’s unconscious instinct is to protect the norm by destabilizing the person confronting him, even if that means killing the fish. 

Tone policing is essentially emotional invalidation, says Anderson. "It sends the message that your feelings are wrong, inappropriate or too much. Over time, this can lead people to suppress their emotions, doubt their own reactions, and internalize the idea that they're 'too sensitive' or 'overreacting.' It's particularly damaging because it often happens when someone is already upset about a legitimate issue—so they're being told their natural emotional response to harm or injustice is the problem, not the actual harm itself."

You know that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” phrase? Tone is the same. Why is it that a man is perceived as “cool and collected,” but a woman who mimics his behavior is “cold and shrill”? Before you address someone’s “tone,” ask yourself, “Am I responding to the actual subject or am I trying to put someone in their place?” If it’s the latter, you’re tone policing. And ultimately, dictating how someone should speak or hold themselves is a power move meant to distract from the subject at hand instead of responding with empathy, which is honestly so much easier.