What to Say to a Friend After a Fight, According to a Therapist

You love your friend to pieces. She’s a sounding board, a support system and someone whose presence in your life you really cherish. The vast majority of the time, you get along like gangbusters, but like with any relationship, friendship fights and arguments happen. How you choose to handle said fights and arguments says a lot about your maturity level and your commitment to maintaining friendships through the ups and downs of life. I asked Jami Dumler, LCSW, about how to approach post-fight conversations with friends, whether it’s a minor spat, a major blowout, your fault or theirs.

Jami Dumler, LCSW, is a licensed therapist with Thriveworks, a nationwide provider of in-person and online therapy services. Dumler has more than seven years of experience partnering with clients across the lifespan seeking help with various mood and anxiety disorders, family conflict and relationship stressors, traumatic experiences and life transitions. She completed her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from West Chester University and received her Masters of Social Work from the University of South Carolina. Dumler has also completed the WPATH foundations course for Best Practices in Transgender Care and has experience assisting children, teens and families on their journey in transitioning.

First let’s dive into minor arguments—you know, the normal little tiffs we have with the people we love that, if handled properly, we’ll probably forget about in a week. Speaking of timing, Dumler stresses that it’s important not to let too much time pass before reaching out after a disagreement like this, but that you should also give yourself a minute to calm down so you can have a productive conversation. 

“When you do reach out, keep it simple and honest,” she advises. “Using ‘I’ statements can really help such as, ‘I felt hurt when our plans changed last minute. I just wanted to spend time together and felt a little brushed off.’” She explains that that kind of wording keeps the focus on how you felt, not what they did wrong. “Try to steer clear of blaming  language or rehashing every detail. You want to stay focused on reconnecting, not reopening the argument.”

Should you be in the aftermath of a more intense fight, give yourselves some space to cool off; usually a few hours, or up to a day, Dumler recommends. “You want to give your emotions time to settle, but take too long and you risk the issue getting buried, ignored or even blown up further.” When you’re ready to reach out, approach the conversation with the goal of understanding their perspective, not just defending your own. Dumler says it can also help to center the conversation around the shared value of your friendship. Think: “I know things got heated, and I’d really like us to work through it. Our friendship means a lot to me.” As for how, logistically, this conversation should go, Dumler recommends opting to speak on the phone, over FaceTime or in-person, versus via text (no matter how much less awkward it might feel to not face each other). “Tone and body language play a huge role in how we show up, and seeing or hearing each other can soften the interaction and build empathy in ways texting can’t,” she says.

Because there are two sides to every story (ergo, every fight), I asked Dumler about the differences in how you approach these chats whether you feel like you were more at fault or they were. If you recognize that you were the instigator of the argument, really think about crafting meaningful apology, including sincerity, accountability and a plan for improvement. “It’s not just about saying sorry, it’s demonstrating that you understand the impact your actions have and that you care enough to do better,” Dumler says. For example, you could say, “I'm sorry I canceled plans last minute. A family emergency came up and I didn’t communicate well, which made you feel dismissed. That’s never how I want a friend to feel. I’ll be more mindful about keeping you in the loop, even in tough moments.” Per Dumler, this shows that you're taking ownership and also valuing the other person’s feelings in the process.

If you feel that your friend slighted you in some way, you likely want them to take responsibility for hurting you. But here’s the hard truth, Dumler tells me: It’s not your job to make someone take accountability. What is in your control is how you communicate your experience, feelings and needs. It is also your job to listen openly to their side. She explains, “If they aren’t able (or willing) to take responsibility, you’ll need to decide how you want to respond. That could mean giving them time, adjusting your boundaries or reevaluating the friendship. We can't force others to show up for us the way we want, but we can choose how we show up for ourselves.”