What to Text to a Friend After a Fight, According to 2 Therapists and My Text Chain

You love your friend to pieces. She’s a sounding board, a support system and someone whose presence in your life you really cherish. The vast majority of the time, you get along like gangbusters, but like with any relationship, friendship fights and arguments happen. How you choose to handle said fights and arguments says a lot about your maturity level and your commitment to maintaining friendships through the ups and downs of life. But still—what's best practices? I asked two therapists about how to approach post-fight conversations with friends; and between sharing AI animal videos, I also asked my women's group text about how we want to treat others and be treated ourselves. Whether it’s a minor spat, a major blowout, your fault or theirs, you're going to have disagreements, so here's how to act right.

Jami Dumler, LCSW, is a licensed therapist with Thriveworks, a nationwide provider of in-person and online therapy services. Dumler has more than seven years of experience with clients seeking help with mood and anxiety disorders, family conflict and relationship stressors, traumatic experiences and life transitions. She completed her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from West Chester University and received her Masters of Social Work from the University of South Carolina.

Dr. Erica Rozmid is a board-certified clinical psychologist who specializes in evidence-based therapy for children, teens, young adults, and the parents who love them. As the founder of Clarity CBT & DBT Center in Los Angeles, she draws on gold-standard therapies like CBT and DBT to treat anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation, and behavioral challenges. Dr. Rozmid is also one of the nation’s leading experts in supporting parents who TFMR (terminate for medical reasons).

The Problem: Minor arguments—you know, the normal little tiffs we have with the people we love that, if handled properly, we’ll probably forget about in a week.

Real-Life Scenario: Recently, I mentioned to a new friend that I was looking for a new home. "My neighbors are selling their home!" she responded brightly. "Oh, but prices have gone up so much I don't know if you can afford it." The rudeness was so unaware and blunt I had to laugh inwardly, while just continuing to smile. I'm not going to say anything to her about it (but definitely be on guard to see if she is thoughtless the next time we speak).

Therapist Take: Dumler stresses that it’s important not to let too much time pass before reaching out after a disagreement like this, but that you should also give yourself a minute to calm down so you can have a productive conversation. 

“When you do reach out, keep it simple and honest,” she advises. “Using ‘I’ statements can really help such as, ‘I felt hurt when our plans changed last minute. I just wanted to spend time together and felt a little brushed off.’” She explains that that kind of wording keeps the focus on how you felt, not what they did wrong. “Try to steer clear of blaming  language or rehashing every detail. You want to stay focused on reconnecting, not reopening the argument.”

My Group Chat's Take: As for the ladies in my text chain? Their resolutions landed in the "Would love to connect and chat and resolve this. You’re so important to me and don’t want anything to linger. Let’s talk it out" space.

The Problem: I remember having a friend really let me have it for hurting her feelings via a long, angry social media message, which in itself hurt me since she didn't pick up the phone and talk it out with me. That said, I stayed cool. I let her know I'd heard her, then waited a week before I texted her back, saying let's talk. Honestly, I texted her first because her anger had lowkey frightened me.

Therapist Take: Apparently, this cool-down period is best practices. Should you be in the aftermath of a more intense fight, give yourselves some space to cool off; usually a few hours, or up to a day, Dumler recommends. “You want to give your emotions time to settle, but take too long and you risk the issue getting buried, ignored or even blown up further.” When you’re ready to reach out, approach the conversation with the goal of understanding their perspective, not just defending your own. Dumler says it can also help to center the conversation around the shared value of your friendship. Think: “I know things got heated, and I’d really like us to work through it. Our friendship means a lot to me.”

Note—Dumler is with me in recommending that it's preferable to speak on the phone, over FaceTime or in-person, versus via text (no matter how much less awkward it might feel to not face each other). “Tone and body language play a huge role in how we show up, and seeing or hearing each other can soften the interaction and build empathy in ways texting can’t,” she says.

My Group Chat Take: My friend group also liked the idea of texting first, then talking with a green light. "I want to give you the space you may need to process the fight, but when you are ready please reach out so we can talk thru. Our friendship is too important to not communicate and work it out," my friend T. suggests saying. Another friend's entreaty is so sincere and straightforward as to be irresistible: "Will you talk with me?"

The Problem: Even though there are two sides to every story (ergo, fight), sometimes you just know and recognize that you were the instigator of the argument.

Real-Life Scenario: In haste, I dismissed a friend's suggestions in our group chat as being nonsensical. I realized later that I had been brusque and disrespectful of her opinion.

Therapist Take: If you recognize that you were the instigator of the argument, explains Dumler, really think about crafting meaningful apology, including sincerity, accountability and a plan for improvement. “It’s not just about saying sorry, it’s demonstrating that you understand the impact your actions have and that you care enough to do better,” Dumler says. For example, you could say, “I'm sorry I canceled plans last minute. A family emergency came up and I didn’t communicate well, which made you feel dismissed. That’s never how I want a friend to feel. I’ll be more mindful about keeping you in the loop, even in tough moments.” Per Dumler, this shows that you're taking ownership and also valuing the other person’s feelings in the process.

My Group Chat's Take: My text thread totally supports falling on your sword on this one. One friend keeps it short and sweet, suggesting a simple "I’m an asshole. Can I call you?" is the way to go. T. says that she'd lead with saying she's sorry, then double down: "I’m not proud of what I did  and I would love to call you to talk it thru so I can apologize. You’re so important to me and I want to make sure you know I know my part.  Please let me know if you are ready to hear from me."

The Problem: If you feel that your friend slighted you in some way, you likely want them to take responsibility for hurting you.

Real-Life Scenario: A friend and co-worker blew off plans we had and then launched into an account of why I was not a good friend because I had changed plans (with notice) in the past.

Therapist's Take: Here’s the hard truth, Dumler tells me: It’s not your job to make someone take accountability. What is in your control is how you communicate your experience, feelings and needs. It is also your job to listen openly to their side. She explains, “If they aren’t able (or willing) to take responsibility, you’ll need to decide how you want to respond. That could mean giving them time, adjusting your boundaries or reevaluating the friendship. We can't force others to show up for us the way we want, but we can choose how we show up for ourselves.”

The Group Chat's Take: We all agreed this one took a bit more finesse, such as texting "Hi. Would love to connect and talk this out. I don't love how that played out and want to get on the same page and understand what happened there." Another friend showed a lot of self-knowledge, and frankly, that they are a work in progress: "I probably wouldn’t text and I would silence scorn them." I could see her shrug as she wrote this, knowing that not reaching out was as much of a choice as making inroads to resolution.

• Do: Evaluate the Relationship "As part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, there are interpersonal effectiveness skills to help people build meaningful relationships," explains Dr. Rozmid. "After you have fought with your friend, first consider your goals for the long term- is this someone who has been a meaningful friend to you before? Do you envision wanting to maintain this friendship?"
• Do: Be Specific "Communicate your feelings, assert yourself and your needs, and validate them," Dr Rozmid suggests. "For example, let’s say your friend shared a secret about you to another friend. You can say 'I felt betrayed when you shared that secret and I really value our relationship. Next time, can you please keep my personal secrets between you and me? You are such a valuable friend to me and I’ll be able to trust you more if you can keep my secrets sacred.'"
• Don't: Assume They Know Their Error, or How to Amend Their Behavior: Dr. Rozmid intimates that over-explaining is better than just sharing broad strokes. "By [specifically] asking, you are giving your friend a chance to respond and to commit to your ask," she says. "They can always say no- and you can deal with that at a later time. Focus on your ask and focus on sharing with them the reward for keeping your secret. What’s in it her your friend? In this case, if she is able to keep your secret private, then she will be trusted more- and that is a universal desire, to be trusted and have close relationships."